What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 18.06.2025 00:05
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Why does he text me first but when I never text first he gets mad?
One cannot live in the past .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
(And it was in our own minds.)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I write beautiful poetry .
Why would my ex block me after I blocked him?
I was seconnd youngest,
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I waited trembling.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Would this be the day?
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Comes on , in middle age.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
How can we become the best humans? How can we trust each other?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Why am I so unproductive when it's a holiday the next day?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I think the readers, may guess!
She loved him until the end.
She married twice! .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My life is so biszare .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My family never makes their pension either.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Put me off passion for life!!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was scared of men, in general
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
So whats the point in blame.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
What did i know ?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She wouldn,t have been !
I will be 64.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was very sick at this time too.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But it wasn’t much.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I have no regrets .
Who then, do I blame.?
She found it foreign!.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was 9 years of age.
We were not on the streets..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But ive been too sick for many years..
So, i spoilt her more .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
When she asked me how she looked .
As i do to all so called friends.?
All the time i was locked up.
She was in good health!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I don,t even have a pension.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
This is soul school!.
And i lived it daily.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He knew the spot.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We all went to grammer schools
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But, we were locked up after school.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I never cut or harmed myself..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im still living with it.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Ive learnt so much.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
It was going to be , some day.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I said to her
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.